Postcard from America

Friends,

I hope this card finds you in good health. Things are well across the pond. Manhattan and its perculiarly evolved inhabitants have been more than hospitable to me and my work here. I have managed to immerse myself and mingle nicely over the months. In fact, I look forward to my first blackout Wednesday this evening in Pennsylvania - a tradition as old as pain itself I'm told.

While the physical threats and dangers of the African continent we know only too well, it seems instead that dangers here on the island are of the more emotional kind [I know!] and can creep up on a person faster than one can say I feel like... Thus, the local people are very generous with their prescription pharmaceuticals and many a time friends of mine have sent me on my way with a pocketful of Aderall or Xanax "just in case".

One thing, however, that will certainly not be tempered by such freely available chemical compounds, and of primary concern to me and my staff, is the positively cursed problem of "football". This rugby-substitute sport seems to have gained far too much traction here, especially on days such as Thanksgiving.

It seems that they simply choose to ignore the superior flow and complexity of rugby for lack of athletes capable of playing two forty minute halves without stopping. This cannot go on forever and we can only pray that the certain arrival of the metric system, and beer fit for consumption, will bring with them the great sport of rugby union.

During my time here I also noted a few things that might be of interest:

People stand in lines and only the office printer has a queue. If you ask someone if they are in the queue you will be met with only blank expressions.

The term excuse me is not meant to excuse any behaviour or to ask permission, it means Get out of my way. Please.

Between the months of June and September the underground trains are as godforsaken as a Brazzaville marketplace, and are best avoided at these times.

German automobiles are entirely unknown and someone ought to bring them here immediately!

Fondest regards,